Finding You
by Ravenus
Summary: /"Hi Dean." Cas whispered and felt a heavy burden fall from his chest when he looked into the beautiful green eyes he loved so much. Dean looked at him, puzzled. "Who are you?"/ Dean suffers from amnesia and Cas is desperate to make him remember their relationship. Fluffy, smutty AU. No hunters, no angels. Rated M (mostly for the last part of it).


A/N: This is a sequel to "Finding Home" and "Finding Love" (You don't have to necessarily read them before you read this). I like to write these short stories and so I will go on, putting Cas and Dean into a more or less domestic surrounding.

Please note that I don't know anything about amnesia, I just made all of this up for this story...

Disclaimer: I don't own SPN, but this fic.

Rating: M

**Finding You**

Cas drove as fast as he could, ignoring speed limits and one light that had just turned red. His pulse was racing, a thousand things went through his head and he thought back to the call he had received just a few minutes ago while he had been at work, serving burgers, talking to colleagues and customers. He had been in a good mood until his cell phone rang:

"Am I talking to Castiel Novak?" A female voice had asked and Cas had confirmed that he was the right person. "My name's Amy McNamara, I'm a nurse at the local hospital. We found you to be the emergency contact for Dean Winchester." Cas' heart stopped at her words. So Dean was hurt, maybe worse… Instantly images of a life without his lover went through his head, if Dean was dead he just could die as well. He couldn't breathe or form any words and so the woman continued in her sympathetic voice. "Don't worry too much, Dean had an accident while he was at work. There are just some minor injuries but we would suggest that you come here at your earliest convenience, Mr. Novak." Minor injuries. Okay, so he would be fine, Cas had assumed.

"I will be there in a few minutes." He had answered and hung up. Mary had been fine with him leaving the diner earlier, she knew Dean and that he was her fellow worker's fiancé so she had ushered Cas out the door to his car and told him to drive carefully.

When he arrived at the hospital his hands were shaking while he followed the nurse to the room Dean was resting in. It wasn't intensive care and Cas inwardly thanked whatever God there was that the minor injuries really just were minor injuries. "He rests now. I will inform the doctor that you arrived and he can fill you in on the details, okay?" Cas nodded and she disappeared down the long, white corridor. Nervously Cas opened the door and entered the room. Behind it he was greeted by a sterile surrounding, the walls as white as in front of the door and the sheets of Dean's bed had the same color. His fiancé was lying with an IV in his arm, eyes closed, seemingly sleeping.

"Hey, Dean." Cas whispered as he pulled a chair over to the bed and sat down by Dean's side, taking the hand that was not pierced with a needle in his, idly playing with his fingers. "I thought my heart would stop beating, when they called me to tell me about your accident." He kissed the pale hand gently. "I don't know what I would do without you." At these words Dean's eyes fluttered open and Cas gave a relieved little laugh. "Hi Dean." He whispered and felt a heavy burden fall from his chest when he looked into the beautiful green eyes he loved so much.

Dean looked at him, puzzled. "Who are you?"

….

"Amnesia?" Cas asked in a shocked voice, staring at the doctor who had just broken the news to him. Dean didn't remember him, he had stared at Cas as if he was a stranger and actually he was just that to him. Before the raven haired man had been able to tell him anything, the doctor knocked on the door and asked Cas to come out with him. They now stood in front of Dean's door and the waiter was about to jump out of his skin. "Doesn't he remember anything?"

"Partial amnesia. He roughly knows who he is and about his childhood. His teenage years are blurry but partly still there but his adult life is completely gone from his memory. The closer it gets to now, the less he knows." Cas was close to tears, he felt the wetness well up in his eyes and couldn't help it when a tear slipped down his face. The doctor tried to give him an encouraging smile. "There is a chance that you might trigger some memories in him, especially if you tell him about the good things and gently try to remind him who he is and who you are… Familiar places and items might be of great help." From the way the man said that Cas could guess that the chances were small.

"How often does it work in such cases?" He wanted to know. He NEEDED to know so he could brace himself for the worst case.

"Chances are at 12 per cent." The information hit him like a hammer, Cas had hoped that there was at least a fifty/fifty chance left but this was close to hopeless. His eyes grew larger and he fought for control, hoping he would not break down crying in front of the doctor. It took him a while before he dared to speak up again.

"How did it happen?"

"From what I was told he was working at the motor of a car when the hood came down and hit him at his temple… It left no serious injuries but caused the amnesia to happen." Cas nodded, unable to response, unable to process the whole consequences of the news he had just heard. He stared at the door, knowing Dean was behind it but he didn't remember his fiancé, he didn't remember how they met or what they felt for each other, he didn't remember the pure and undeniable love and lust that bound them together. For Dean Cas was a stranger from now on and the younger man wouldn't even remember that they were engaged. He stared at the silver ring on his own hand. Dean had bought it for him a week after Cas had proposed to him and told him that he wanted Cas to wear a ring, too, so everybody could see that he was taken, that Cas was his. Right now, Cas wasn't sure if he was still taken. Maybe Dean wouldn't even like him anymore, maybe he was disgusted because he was engaged to a man. He wouldn't know…

"You should go in there and talk to him. For your own good as well, I can see that you're shocked and troubled. Don't try to push him into anything, okay?" The doctor said as if he had read Cas' thoughts. The man just nodded and grabbed the doorknob, opening the door, carefully peeking inside if Dean was awake. Green eyes turned towards him and he felt his knees go weak, fear, hope, love, desperation mixed in his chest but he had to face what lied ahead of him.

"Hey, Dean." He greeted the man who sat up in bed when he entered. "How are you?"

"Fine… I guess. I'm sorry that I don't know you… I know I should, the nurse told me we are acquainted in some way?" That didn't really cover it. Cas walked over to the chair that he had pulled towards the bed earlier and sat down, resisting the urge to take Dean's hand in his again. He desperately wanted to hold Dean close but maybe he would never get the chance again…

"I'm Cas. Your fiancé." Cas introduced himself what made Dean smile slightly.

"I'm in love with you?" The question tore Cas' heart apart but he managed to keep his face a mask and nodded. "I never thought I was gay…" Dean mused now. And he was right. At least a little bit.

"We met nearly two years ago. It was… fast." This time his smile was true when he remembered their first night together and then the next night after nearly two months that Dean had been away from him. "I guess we're not exactly gay, but, well… fell in love. It is a long story, if you want me to tell you about it, I will gladly." Dean nodded.

"I can't remember anything… I know I didn't like my father and he…. " he stopped and averted his eyes from Cas'. "I'm sure you know." Oh yes, Cas did. He had seen the scars on Dean's well toned body that his father had caused in many years of abuse.

"Yes, I know everything, Dean."He remembered that the doctor had told him to trigger happy memories, so he hoped to get away from this really not happy subject as soon as possible.

"What else do you know, Cas?" Dean still said his name as if it was a prayer, full of affection and something else that made him all warm and fuzzy inside. Maybe this was a good sign. "It feels strange to think back and find just – nothing." His voice broke and he seemed to be about to panic, so Cas instinctively grabbed his hands and held them in his own. Only after a minute he realized what he had done and stared at their interlaced fingers, letting go immediately.

"I'm sorry." He whispered but Dean grabbed his left hand again examining it closely.

"You wear the same ring…" He stated the obvious.

"You bought it for me. I bought yours first but you wanted everyone to see that I'm taken and so you gave it to me a week after I … proposed to you." Again Cas had to smile at the wonderful memory, hoping he would be able to hold Dean again as he had on that day.

"Tell me more about me. Where do I work? Where do I live?" Dean sounded eager to remember everything and Cas could just imagine what it must be like to not know anything about yourself. It must cause Dean a lot of trouble though he tried to hide it. The younger man seemed relaxed but Cas knew him well enough to know that he wasn't, he was thinking rapidly, trying to remember, he fought with his own memories that weren't available.

"You work as a mechanic, you love cars, especially old ones. The garage is just down the street from our apartment."

"Tell me the whole story, I live with you?" Cas smiled at Dean's words. Hell, they were engaged, they were both old enough, was it so strange that they lived together? He hoped Dean wouldn't be appalled by the story that would follow.

"When I first met you I was working at the diner, I'm a waiter and you came in during my shift. It was a rainy day and you were cold and hungry." His voice got careful when he told the next part. "You were living out on the streets for about a year when I met you, because you ran from your father back then." When Dean said nothing Cas went on. "I served you a burger and fries and you seemed to trust me instantly and when I sat down at your table you told me about your father and why you ran from home. You seemed guilty for the mere fact that you are existing and something about you made me curious and all ears. I confessed to you a part of my story, something I have never told anyone before and you listened patiently. I guess that was the moment I decided to make you come home with me. At first you wanted to refuse, you told me you didn't want to be a burden but you never were one to me. So we went home together, rode in my car and after we arrived in my apartment you took a bath, came out of the bathroom and…" – Cas found it hard to go on from that point, a lump building in his throat when he thought back at that night – "You just wore a towel around your waist and you looked at me with those EYES…" his voice trailed off, it was hard to tell your own lover about your first night together, he didn't even know if he hadn't said too much and felt his cheeks grow a little redder.

"So we… went to bed the first day we met?" Dean seemed amazed by the fact. Cas had never thought too closely about it, it had just happened and it was just fine with him.

"Yes." His answer was barely above a whisper and he wasn't sure why he was ashamed to tell Dean about it. He felt his lover's gaze on his body, maybe Dean was considering what he would look like under his clothes…

"You're right, we were fast. Did I stay from that moment on? Did we live happily ever after?" When he saw the hurt his words had caused to appear on Cas' face he instantly added: "I'm sorry… I shouldn't make this sound like a joke."

"It's okay… I know this must be more than strange to you and I also know this is the way you deal with situations like this." He forced a smile to his lips and went on. "No, you didn't stay. You left me in the morning because you thought you were some kind of burden for me as you had no home and job. I didn't care but I guess you didn't want to use my kindness or something. I don't know, really, but you had your reasons, meant well, told me goodbye and vanished for two moths nearly." Cas sighed when he thought back to this time and how terribly he had missed Dean. Maybe this would happen again and this time forever. Living without Dean was impossible, if it came to this, Cas didn't know what he would do. Tears welled up in his eyes, he needed Dean by his side, everything else would result in misery. The younger man saw the wetness in Cas' eyes before he could avert his head to the other side.

"You felt used because I left, right?" Cas shook his head.

"I understood. But I missed you so much." His voice broke, missing Dean was now on the cards again, but in a way Cas would never have expected. Violent trembling shook his body while he tried to hold it together but couldn't. When he went on it was in a whisper. "You came back to me. Moved in with me and I couldn't have been happier and you seemed happy, too. The garage you work at belongs to a friend of mine. I asked him if he needed another mechanic and he agreed to let you work for him. You did well, I have seen the look in your eyes when a car works again, it makes you proud. You really love your job and I was so proud of you, too…" Again his voice trailed off.

"I remember the way I feel about cars." Dean smiles. "It's fun working on them." Cas finally looks at Dean again, blinking the remains of the tears away. "So, we just went on, we worked and were together? What did we do in our free time? Do I have any friends? What about my brother? Does Sammy know where I'm right now?" Cas shook his head no.

"I didn't tell him yet. I didn't even know what happened to you until a few minutes ago. And of course you have friends. You are close to Jo, a co worker at the diner. And her mother Helen…" Cas sighed. He still had to tell them about what happened to his fiancé and he feared his own reaction at it. "You are also close to Al, your boss. You often go out for a beer after work."

"Okay. Thank you, Cas." Dean says. He leans back in his bed and closes his eyes while the other man watched him closely. From the look on his face Cas could tell that he tried to remember something. Anything. "There's nothing left of you in my memories… I remember my father and brother and that it wasn't nice while I lived with my dad… But nothing after it." Cas felt a jolt of pain in his chest but didn't say a word about it. Dean just had enough trouble with his own problems so he shouldn't think of the problems of a stranger as well. The older man got up from his chair and threw his coat over his arms.

"I will leave now, Dean. Get some rest and try not to worry about anything. Everything will be all right again." He left a note with his cell phone number on the night stand next to Dean's bed. "If you need anything, just call me, Darl… Dean." He corrected himself and suppressed a sob. It really was time to go home and call Sammy and Jo. Normally Cas wouldn't leave Dean without a kiss but he didn't dare doing it and just left with another wave before he closed the door. When Cas had closed the door behind him, he fell with his back against it and sighed, breathed deeply, trying to stay calm. It took him a while before he dared to walk down to his car, driving back to his apartment with the knowledge that he was nothing to Dean now, a stranger, a face he didn't remember and that maybe Dean wouldn't remember him for the rest of his life and maybe he wouldn't fall in love with Cas again, leaving him, going on with a new life without Cas.

By the time Cas reached his apartment he was already shaking from fighting back his fears and tears and when he finally fell onto the sofa with his phone clutched to his chest he wasn't able to hold back any longer. He cried hard, desperately hoping and praying that everything would be back to normal one day but still he feared the worst: a life without Dean. He already missed him, he missed the whispered words of affection, he missed his closeness, he wanted to hold him, wrap him up in his arms, kiss him but instead Cas only hugged his arms tight around his own chest and stomach and curled up in the corner of his sofa. The pain was nearly unbearable and the worst was yet to come…

After an hour Cas was finally able to breathe again, though not fully recovered and tears still fell with a sob here and there. He needed to inform Sammy about his brother's accident and Jo. So he dialed Jo's number first as he was close to her as well. It took her a few rings to answer his call.

"Hey Cas!" She greeted him cheerfully and he instantly felt bad because he was about to destroy her good mood.

"Hi Jo." He said and from the way his voice sounded worn and tired the woman at the other end of the line heard that something was terribly wrong.

"Cas? What happened? Is everything okay?"

"Jo… Dean…"

"Hold yourself together and spit it out! If he did something stupid I will just kill this bastard!" Despite the situation Cas had to smile to himself. Though Jo was Dean's friend as well as his she was still protective around Cas just like her mother was.

"No, he had an accident at the garage. He… he lost his memory. He doesn't remember me, Jo…" The sobs were evident in his voice, Jo heard them while Cas tried to hold it together.

"Are you at home? I'll be there in five!" She said, then the line went dead. Cas just sat back on the sofa, his limbs heavy, his head hurting. The absolute helplessness of the situation made him edgy. Normally Dean would be there for him, when he felt bad or tired or worn but the beautiful man was in a white hospital room, trying to remember the last two or three years of his life.

It really took Jo just five minutes to get to his apartment and when the small woman stood in front of his door Cas broke down crying again, falling into her arms, grabbing onto her for dear life.

"He doesn't remember who I am, Jo…" Cas repeated what he had told her on the phone just a few minutes ago. She sympathetically drew soothing circles on his back, leading him over to the sofa again to sit down with the trembling man in her arms.

"Hey, get yourself together, Cas! It won't help anybody if you cry your eyes out. Tell me what the doctors say about his case. I know amnesia may be only partial and that Dean might soon remember everything again." She handed him a tissue from the box on the table that he used to wipe the tears from his eyes.

"The doctor informed me that there is a chance of only twelve per cent that he might remember everything again one day. What is twelve per cent? Dean does remember his childhood and teenage years. But nothing of me. I had to tell him our story and he took it in as if it was just that, as if it didn't really concern him in the slightest." Another sob escaped him and he finally looked up into Jo's eyes. "I don't know what I will do if he just stays this way and doesn't want me anymore…"

"No, Cas! Twelve in a hundred people regain their memories, so cling to THAT thought instead to all your fears and worries. What else did the doctor say? Anything we can do to make it happen?" Cas was glad that Jo didn't lose it, like he had and it gave him strength that the young woman was with him.

"The only thing we can do is trigger happy memories. Maybe it will help him when he gets out of the hospital and sees where he lives…"

"See? This isn't nothing. I know you will be there for him, no matter what and if you need any help or just someone to talk to, you know, I'm right here, okay?" Cas gave his friend a weak smile but she knew that he was really thankful.

"Thanks, Jo."

…..

When he opened his eyes again the headache was gone. He tried to remember what had happened last week or last month or last year but he couldn't remember. The only memories he had were about his father and Sammy and about a man who was here yesterday and had told him that he was Dean's fiancé. His eyes wandered down to his hand that lay on the sheets and for a long while he just stared at the ring that was there confirming what this man – Cas – had said. Dean tried to remember him, tried to remember a spark of love in his heart but nothing was there that reminded him of happy days. Just fear because his father was such a bully and fear because he was afraid that someday Sammy would find out what his brother had to endure at home.

Never in his entire life had Dean found love and the man who he had finally fallen for had vanished from his memory. Tears welled up in his eyes, he really wanted to feel something for Cas, he really tried, but there was just confusion because Cas was a man and the mere thought gave him the creeps. From what Dean had seen and heard the raven haired man really was a nice guy and he seemed to be crazy in love with him, it was unfair that Dean didn't love him back. Maybe time would change things and he could make Cas happy again but for now he wouldn't pretend, that would be unfair. He dreaded the moment Cas would walk back in through the door, he really liked him, he was someone you would trust instantly and obviously Dean had done it before, it just wasn't love on his side… The hurt he had seen on Cas' face had been enough to tear his own heart apart and it hurt even more because he didn't know how to change this.

With a deep sigh Dean swung his legs over the edge of the bed when he heard the knock on the door. He called his okay and watched Cas enter. This time a young woman was with him, maybe Jo or Helen. Cas had mentioned both of them the day before.

"Hi Dean." Cas greeted him with a smile but it didn't reach his too blue eyes Dean noted. "This is Jo, our friend. I told you about her yesterday. How are you today?"

"Hey, Jo." A crooked smirk appeared on Dean's face. She was definitely younger than both of them, maybe twenty and had nice long blond hair. She wasn't a classical beauty but she obviously was nice to look at and her eyes held a lot of mischief. "I feel fine, I think. The doctor said it was okay if I would go home…" There was more he wanted to say, Cas could guess but from the way his voice trailed off, he better didn't ask what it was. Dean realized that things could get awkward within seconds and he blamed himself because he was the one who lost his memory. Jo seemed to get the situation quickly and helped them both out of it.

"No worries, Dean." She handed him a bag with his clothes. "Cas is the nicest guy in town, everything will be fine." Dean looked into the bag. Plaid shirts and a jeans. That was just fine with him. "We will be back in a few minutes." With these words she dragged Cas out of the door, practically pushing him out of the hospital room. Dean stared after them and sighed again. Cas was handsome and Dean could see that there was a nice body hidden beneath his shirt and jeans but he didn't know if it was meant for him, if he would like it. Dean would hate to hurt his fiancé even further than he already had. The next days and weeks wouldn't be easy but he would try his best to fall in love with this wonderful guy again.

…

For three weeks Dean was back with Cas, now. The older man had shown his lover their home, had led him to the garage where Dean worked, had shown him the diner where they had met and he had even arranged a short trip to the hotel and lake where Cas had proposed to Dean. This day seemed ages ago and being back there made Cas' heart ache even more than everything else had, since Dean's accident. The urge to hold Dean, to kiss him and touch him grew more with each day, getting worse when they were walking around the lake and Cas wasn't sure how long he would be able to hold himself back.

When the older man got back from work late today, Dean was already in bed, sleeping. Cas heavily fell onto the sofa, his body was getting heavier from the burden that rested upon his shoulders, from being close to Dean without actually being with him. They got along well and it seemed as if Dean felt at home in their small apartment, they enjoyed long talks but something was still missing. They were just friends, nothing more. When Dean looked into Cas' eyes he didn't see the love the younger man had felt for him before his accident. Dean liked him and was glad for the company but feelings didn't arise. His memories wouldn't come back to him and each day that passed killed a little bit more of Cas' hope.

While he stared out of the window, Cas realized that he had finally lost Dean, maybe forever and he should try to cope with the fact that they wouldn't share kisses or touches ever again. With a longing gaze towards the door of their bedroom – the door was closed, Dean had never closed it before when he had gone to bed while Cas had still been working – Cas felt the familiar hotness push against the back of his eyes and this time he was unable to hold back the tears, let them fall freely, trying to suppress the sobs as to not wake up Dean from his sleep. He had to do something about their situation, about HIS situation. Rage welled up within his chest because he lacked patience, he should give Dean more time to adjust, more time to regain his memory, but his heart could only take so much.

"Cas…" A sleepy voice whispered behind him and the man on the sofa whirled around to see Dean stand behind him, clad in a pair of boxers and a shirt, rubbing his eyes, watching him when he was done.

"Dean! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up…" His voice sounded like he felt: rough, lost, hurt. Banishing these feelings from it had been impossible, though he had tried his best.

"You cry because of me, right?" Cas shook his head no. "Don't lie to me." The younger man sat down on the sofa next to his fiancé and watched him closely, his eyes roaming over Cas' face and body. "There's so much you haven't told me. I mean about us. What are we like as a couple?" He flinched when his words provoked another sob from Cas. It took the raven haired man a moment to regain his ability to speak but when he had finally stilled, he began talking.

"We are nothing special, I guess. We argue, we fight but in the end we always laugh it off because we are so much more. When we go to bed you used to cuddle up against my back, your hand holding mine until I fell asleep. Your presence soothes me to no end. You never went to work without kissing me goodbye and when you came back and I was at home you just sat down next to me, cuddling up into my side while I was reading, caressing my hand or hair, whatever you could reach better. When we went out you held my hand or let me throw my arm around your waist. In the beginning we both needed to adjust that we were with another man but we made it and got better at showing affection in public." He smiled at these happy memories, but it faltered when he looked back at Dean. "As I told you, we were nothing special. But so happy. After all I have been through before I met you I finally found true love and it felt great."

"Cas…." Dean was at a loss of words, his heart beat fast, he searched for the love in it, he searched for all those feelings that were lost. If his mind didn't remember, why had his heart forgotten about Cas as well? He felt bad for not being able to return Cas' feelings but he wouldn't pretend to make the other man feel better, because Cas deserved more. He was a good and honest man, lying to him was impossible for Dean. "I'm so damn sorry, Cas, I don't know what to do, I don't know how I can change… Or how I can make you feel better…" A final decision had to be made, Cas knew, and he would make it right now.

"If you want to leave, I will not hold you back, Dean." It came out barely above a whisper, otherwise the other man would have heard the pain in these words. "We can find you your own apartment wherever you want." When Dean just nodded Cas' world shattered to pieces just like his heart. His fiancé didn't want him anymore, Dean didn't love him, like he had before and he would leave Cas alone. Shock prevented the tears from falling, he just stared at green eyes that looked at him sadly before being averted.

"I'm so damn sorry, Cas. You deserve someone who truly loves you." Cas would never love again, he knew that he was spoiled for the rest of his life, no other person was like Dean. "I… sorry, Cas." He pulled the ring off his finger and gently placed it on the table, Cas' eyes following his gestures with utter panic.

"S' not your fault, Dean." The other man told him. "We will look for a nice apartment for you tomorrow." He stared at his fiancé – ex fiancé – for a while, then added: "Please, Dean… Can I… Just once… please, just a kiss to say goodbye?"

"O – Okay." Dean leaned forward towards Cas and it took the desperate man just a second to find his lips, at first gently caressing them with his own, licking, teasing, like he was used to, because he knew Dean liked it. To his surprise said man opened his lips for him, deepening the kiss, so Cas obliged, let his tongue slip into his mouth to feel every little bit of Dean's mouth, devouring the other man, tasting every bit that was Dean until they both needed to come up for air. He would never forget the taste of his lover and maybe he would never kiss anyone ever again.

"I will miss you, love." It were the first and only words of affection Cas directed towards Dean since he had lost his memories, his way to say goodbye to the love of his life.

"Forgive me." The younger man said and stood up, grabbing his head as he did so.

"Is everything okay?"

"Just a little headache. Good night, Cas. Thank you for everything." With these words Dean went back into the bedroom, closed the door and went back to sleep. Cas knew that what he was about to do was selfish but he had given so much during the last weeks, this was just one thing he would do for himself. Slowly he stood up and went towards the small desk in the corner, taking a pen and a piece of paper in his hand. He sat down again on the sofa, staring at the abandoned ring on the table, then he began to write what was on his mind.

….

At first Dean wasn't able to sleep again, his head hurt and the intensity of the kiss had shown him how much Cas truly loved him. He wished he could love the other man, he wished he wouldn't be the reason for his hurt but things were as they were and he wasn't able to force himself to fall in love with Cas. So when the waiter had said that he was fine if Dean needed some space, he was glad for it, he couldn't stand to see Cas suffer because he was close to him and yet Dean wasn't the same anymore. It just wasn't fair...

Finally after another hour of lying awake and hearing Cas' gentle sobs from the living room, Dean fell asleep, mostly because of the damn headache that made his head feel as if it was about to explode. His last thought before falling asleep was about the kiss they had shared and it made his insides tingle with warmth, lulling him to a peaceful slumber.

_He saw images of himself kissing Cas, he felt the intense love and affection Cas had poured into it, he saw those deep blue eyes that stared at him, whenever Cas thought he wouldn't notice, he felt those talented hands on his body, touching him, caressing him in the most gentle way, he saw the ring on his finger – the one that lay on the table in the living room, now, forgotten – he felt the sheer joy again when Cas went to his knees, grabbed his hands and asked Dean to marry him, he saw the tears in Cas' eyes, when he left him after their first night together._

_All these things Dean dreamed of were memories and he knew! It all came down to the fact that he loved Cas as much as Cas loved him, he remembered so many nights spent together, he remembered the way Cas would make love to him and turn Dean's brain to mush with his touches and kisses, his love and his affection. He remembered how much he loved Cas and that he wanted him happy, he wanted him for the rest of his life! He remembered the night at the diner when they had met, he remembered the lonely time he had spent out on the streets and he remembered the night he ran from his father._

_Dean remembered everything, the headache slowly fading with each image or feeling that came back to him._

_Love... there was so much love for Cas in his heart that it was about to burst within his chest. He needed to wake up and go to his lover, his fiancé! Want and need rushed through his veins with every heartbeat. Wake up, Dean..._

The young man shot up into a sitting position, instantly swinging his legs over the edge of the bed, rushing out the door. When he stood in the living room, Cas wasn't there, the lights were out and Dean was alone.

"Cas?" He asked into the darkness but didn't get an answer, his lover was gone. Why? Now? Dean was confused. He ached to hold Cas, to kiss him, to tell him that everything was alright again. And he needed to apologize... Den switched on the light, maybe he hadn't seen the other man in the shadows of their apartment, but he wasn't there.

Frustration kicked in and Dean looked around, not knowing what to do. His eyes fell onto a sheet of paper on the table in front of the sofa, the ring, Dean had abandoned right next to it. With tears in his eyes he grabbed the ring and slipped it back onto his finger, then he took what was obviously a letter and sat down to read it. Cas' hands must have shivered like hell while he had written the text and in some places the ink was blurred, most likely it were his lover's tears that had fallen onto the paper.

_Dean,_

_please don't be mad at me for leaving. You don't have to find yourself a new apartment, just stay in mine – ours. I cannot stand to live here any longer as a memory of you and me lures in every corner and it kills me to be reminded of the happy times with you each and every day. I need a new place and some time for myself._

_I will find my own place, maybe in this town, maybe in another, I seriously don't know. If you need anything, just call me. I will gladly help you with anything you need. _

_Please forgive me that I leave without another word, but I guess you don't mind that much._

_It is not fair, I know, but I have to say it one last time: I love you, Dean. _

_Forever yours_

_Cas_

"Yes, yes, you're mine, so why do you leave just like that?" Dean yelled at the paper. He cried. Why had it taken him so long to remember? Why hadn't Cas kissed him earlier? God, he wanted to see him now and Goddamnit, he was eager to sleep with Cas as soon as he got the chance. The man better be close, he wanted him, now.

Dean grabbed his own cell phone off the table, dialing Cas' number within seconds, his hands shaking while he waited for the other man to answer. Cas didn't and Dean got nervous beyond belief, maybe his fiancé had done something terribly stupid, what if he had a car accident because he had been distracted while driving? Dean tried to call a second and a third time, then he gave up, pulled on a jeans, his boots and a jacket and went down the stairs.

He didn't really know where to look for Cas and so he started behind their apartment building, searching the parking lot for Cas' car. It was still parked where it always parked: the last slot, labeled with the number of their apartment, far from every light in a dark corner. Dean rushed over to peer through the driver's window, staring into the darkness beyond. Cas sat with his head leaned onto the steering wheel, his hands clasping his cell phone, his whole body shaking with, what Dean supposed, sobs. Without further hesitation he yanked open the door, grabbed his lover's wrists and pulled him out of the car and into a deep hug, crashing him against his chest. Cas returned the hug, clinging to Dean like a drowning man, shaking like a leaf in his arms.

"I love you, Cas, I love you!" Dean whispered into Cas' ear over and over, earning desperate sobs from him in return. "I remember." The hands on Dean's back gripped him tighter if it was even possible. "Your kiss did it, Cas, I love you so much."

"Dean..." It was barely audible, Cas wasn't able to say more, he was overwhelmed, relieved, happy.

"Forgive me, love." The plea made Cas look up into Dean's meadow green eyes. The blue orbs that took in the beautiful face of the other man were puffy from crying but still stunning. Before Cas could say a word Dean pressed their lips together, needing to taste his lover, blood rushing southwards as he felt the desperation with that Cas returned his kiss.

"There's nothing to forgive, Dean..." Cas whispered between two kisses. Dean didn't let him get the chance to say more, there would be a time to talk soon, but it definitely wasn't now. Dean had pressed Cas back against his car, stepping even closer, while his hands were bury pulling Cas' shirt up over his lover's head, leaving his hair disheveled. Dean's fingers restlessly roamed over his fiancé's well toned chest and stomach and sides, memorizing every stunning curve of his body new, mapping him with gently caresses.

Normally Dean was the one who would be afraid to get caught out in the open while Cas was unashamed and didn't care where he took his lover, but today Dean couldn't care less. Cas had had some hard weeks and he wanted to comfort him in every way possible. This time it was Cas who gently stopped Dean. Not because they were outside and people could see them but for another, deeper reason.

"Let's get back home, Dean." Cas whispered breathlessly while Dean kissed his way down his lover's neck, chest and gently bit down on a nipple. "God, Dean..." Cas' head fell back against the car, his vision blurred. "I want this to last forever. I want to take you slowly and gentle as you deserve it." He was talking about making love and not just pure need. It was hard for Dean to fight for control but he stood up straight and Cas smiled when he looked into those lust-blown green eyes of him. Without waiting for a reply Cas grabbed Dean's hand and lead him back to their apartment, his lover's hands all over him on their way up the stairs.

When they closed the door behind them Cas ripped the jacket off Dean's broad shoulders and let it fall to the floor, his shirt soon following, as well as his shoes and jeans. Though Cas seemed to be slender and not as strong as Dean he grabbed his fiancé and effortlessly carried him over to their bedroom to place him in the tangled sheets.

"I dreamed of you, Cas." He murmured when Cas crawled on top of him with a predatory, possessing look in his too-blue eyes. His tanned hands grabbed the sides of the older man's face, slowly mapping the lines of his beautiful face, marveling at how handsome Cas was when he was aroused.

"I missed this, too, Dean." His hands went up over the younger man's naked body, he enjoyed the warmth of his flawless skin under his fingers. With sudden clarity, Cas realized he would have killed himself sooner or later if Dean hadn't remembered and it struck him hard how much he was addicted to him. Too late to go back, too late to turn away from this love and he would never want to.

Dean smiled up at Cas, the wrinkles next to his eyes never failing to amaze Cas. He came down for another kiss from those wicked pink lips, this time teasingly slow, forcing Dean's lips open with his own, licking his way into his mouth, stroking his tongue with his own, making love to his mouth like he would make love to Dean for the rest of the night. The promise behind this kiss left Dean breathless, he leaned back and opened his legs so Cas could easily lie between them.

"I was so afraid we would never do this again..." Cas whispered against the skin at Dean's neck as he was kissing him there. With a sigh Dean closed his eyes, his hands wandering into Cas' messy hair, slowly stroking the soft strands.

"I'm so damn sorry, Ca – ah!" His sentence turned into a moan when Cas' hand went down his side and straight to his member to give it a gentle caress with the tip of his finger.

"Nothing's your fault." His lover assured him. Dean's lips were sealed again with a hungry kiss, Cas obviously wanted to suck his soul out of his body before he went down over his chest, kissing every inch of skin teasingly letting his tongue brush over Dean's nipples, making the man squirm beneath him. He went lower still to Dean's stomach, lower, playfully biting into his hipbones.

"Please... Cas! Stop teasing me." Dean begged, his hands now grabbing the sheets, his body arching into Cas' touches and kisses gracefully. The older man enjoyed the sight in front of him so much, thinking that he was close to losing Dean forever made each sensation twice as intense. "Please, Cas, please..."

"What is it that you want, Dean?" Cas asked as he kissed his way up the inside of Dean's thighs, his breath tingling, sending a shiver down Dean's spine. Maybe this time he could make his lover beg for what he wanted. Though Dean seemed to be tough and loud-mouthed he sometimes was ridiculously timid when they went to bed together.

"Cas..." Dean moaned. Saying what he wanted seemed too much because he already got so much from his lover that he shied back from asking for even more.

"Tell me!" Cas' tongue darted out, ghosting over the tip of Dean's member. When he drew back it twitched from being neglected. "I want to know, Dean."

"Your mouth, Cas." Now he lost it, shyness flying out of the window. "Suck me, Cas." Another scream was torn from Dean's lips when his lover obliged and enclosed him, the warm wetness making Dean see stars. In a slow rhythm Cas' licked him up and down, Dean knew this was only foreplay but he was afraid that he wouldn't last long and so he grabbed handfuls of Cas' hair and pulled him back, panting hard. He nearly came when those deep blue eyes looked up the length of his body into his green eyes, locking with Dean's unashamed, Cas' lips red and swollen from what he had done. "God, Cas... Take me, now!"

The older man sat back up again, lowering his body carefully over Dean's, pulling the other man close to him. The teasing went on, Cas didn't enter his body immediately and it drove Dean insane to wait longer than necessary.

"I love you, Dean." Cas whispered into his hear, biting down while he slid home. Dean's body went off the mattress, he panted hard when his lover established a lazy rhythm. Cas felt fingernails rake over the skin of his back and shoulders, the slight pain sending jolts of lust down his body. Dean was unable to form words, though he tried to answer but it was just a string of senseless words that left his mouth.

After a while Cas made them change position, lying behind Dean, enveloping the other man in his arms, pressing him close to his body, taking him from behind. The closeness made Dean's heart swell, he was sure it would burst from love for his partner and his next moan turned into a sob. Cas kissed the nape of his neck, one hand gliding down his lover's body, gently stroking his throbbing length.

"Shh... I got you, Dean." He Whispered.

"Cas, I – I... Oh God!" The sheer force of Dean's orgasm was enough to send him over the edge as well and with a heartbreaking sob he came hard in Dean's body, shaking from the impact of a climax that didn't seem to end.

When they lay together in the aftermath Cas rolled onto his back, cradling Dean on his chest, holding him close and the younger man enjoyed the sound of his fiancé's rapidly beating heart. They didn't talk in a very long time, neither of them refusing to fall asleep. Dean's hand drew a senseless pattern on Cas' chest. After what seemed like hours Cas broke the silence.

"Will you marry me, Dean?" He asked and left the younger man puzzled. He sat up on his elbow, looking down into blue eyes quizically.

"I already said yes, didn't I?" He wanted to know with a smile, kissing Cas' lips again as he couldn't resist the strawberry red flesh.

"Yes, you did. I mean soon. I don't want to wait any longer, I want you to be mine." Dean smiled and with a little laugh he kissed Cas' forehead.

"The sooner the better, but Cas?"

"Yes?"

"I'm already yours."

**END**

Oh, I hope you liked it, because I love writing this AU.

Maybe this will be a longer series? I love them together...

Please review.


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